### Van Halen: Van Halen II

#### 16/11/12 || InquisitorGeneralis

##### Introduction

Somebody get me a doctor!!!… my back hurts. See, I’m over 30 now and my body is slowly falling apart; I have a hole at the base of my spine that bleeds when I shit, when I hit the gym my old bones get sore than Smalley’s butthole at an all-transvestite Star Trek convention. Something just don’t age well (file Lord K’s dick in that column too), but “Van Halen II” is not one of them. Actually, I like this fucker more and more as time goes on; it has even replaced “Fair Warning” as my favorite Van Halen record. While it may not have as many radio mainstays as its predecessor, the band’s debut, “Van Halen II” pure 100% good-time hard rock from cover to cover.

##### Songwriting

8.5 While this might be my favorite Van Halen album (now), I admit the songwriting on here is not a intricate as on later records like “Fair Warning” or as memorable as on the band’s iconic debut. The tunes on “The Duece” are a bit more simple, straightforward… and TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME NONETHELESS!!! If “Somebody get me a doctor” doesn’t make you immediately starting playing air guitar, chugging whiskey, and banging the nearest (and, probably fattest) chick around you are a pussy. Or brain dead. Or Lord K. Either way, that track is a 100% ripper. The supremely cheesy, and just as catchy, “Bottom’s up” comes right after and continues the good-time assault. The vocal/sing along breakdown rules and the drum fill and guitar solo that follow kick ass too.

“You’re no good” is an interesting song to open the album, though, and probably should have been placed later in the song order. It is damn fine tune, slower and heavier than most, but not a blistering opener. Plus, it is a cover song and real Compton City G’s don’t open great records with cover songs. Van Halen gets a pass though, because they have fucked more women and drank more booze the entire male population of Canada as well as made more money in their lives than the yearly GDP of wonderful paradises like Mali and Chad. “Dance the night away” and “Beautful girls” represent the more pop-oriented side of the album, and both succeed 100% in their quest to be catchy, accessible hard rock tunes. “DOA” and “Woman in love” are the only two tracks on here that I am not in love with myself, but they still are pretty solid tracks.

##### Production

8.5 “II” sounds a bit softer than its epic predecessor, with the guitars not being as high in the mix and kick drums not hitting as hard. It still sounds pretty fucking good, but I always have to jack up my stereo just a bit higher than the normal “tear the roof off the motha sucka” level, and that upsets me just a little bit.

##### Guitars

10. Let me make this simple for you…

Opening/main rifts to “Somebody get me a doctor” and “Beautiful girls”…amazing.

Solos on “DOA”, “Light up the sky”, and “Bottoms up”…booty shaking.

Instrumental “Spanish fly”…arousing.

Eddie shreds this record up just like everything before the Van Hagar days. His performance is technical, energetic, memorable, and just plain fucking amazing. Find a better one-man riffing and soloing machine…you won’t. 10 is only score to give.

##### Vocals

10. Perfecto score here not just because DLR was on his game, but the backing vocals of Micheal Anthony and Eddie Van Halen are fucking amazing…as usual. I could not imagine the chrouses to “Somebody get me a doctor”, “Beautiful girls”, “Bottom’s up”, and “Dance the night away” being as memorable as they are without those two backing the Golden Jew up. Speaking of the wild man, his voice my suck barbed-wire wrapped dick now, but in ’79 he was at the top of his game with high-pitched, but still accessible, vocals that would set the standard for every hair metal and hard rock band to come later in the 80’s. And he could harmonize like a motherfucker with the studs to his left and right.

##### Bass

9. Again, Micheal Anthony proves that good bass players are like good comic book inkers; you don’t always notice when they are there, but sure as fuck notice when they are not. MA and AVH make a pretty decent rythem section…like best ever this side of Bonham and Jones decent.

##### Drums

10. I love the drumming on “Van Halen II”, plain and fucking simple. “You’re no good” pounds with a slower, almost tribal rythem that definitely is meant to recreate the feel of “Running with the devil”. He takes a back seat, but still provides an amazing back bone for “Dance the night away”. It is not surprise that the album hits its strongest point when the wild man on the skins unleashes the beast! Right from the tribal pounding begining, you know “Somebody get me a doctor” is going rule. Alex Van Halen shreds that songs to fucking pieces, changing tempos and rythems easier than I change my underwearing after watching old Baywatch tapes. The fill in the mddle of “Bottom’s up” is my favorite air-drumming moment this side of Nicko McBrain’s monster in “Powerslave”. “Outta love again” and “Light up the sky” show AVH’s jazz influences and prove he is more than just a human version of animal the Muppet…which he looks like on the back vinyl cover.

##### Cover

7. Iconic but simple. I love the metallic “VH” logo and the blue certainly stands out, but there is nothing here to write home to momma about.

##### Logo

7. Read my comments above…word for fucken word.

##### Booklet

8. I have this on vinyl, and the super cheesy images of the band that are found on the back vinyl cover fucking rule. Sweet spandex clothes, rockin’ poses, and flaming drumsticks will win me over every time. If any of you dudes out there (or chicks with dicks) are looking for a recipe for a little IGbromance, there ya go…

##### Overall and Ending Rant

The first six Van Halen records (minus “Diver Down”, I think that one is a bit weak)are the best hard rock the good ole’ has ever produced. No band has even been able to achieve the same perfect balance of heaviness, accessibility, musical skill, and fun that Roth, Anthony, and the Van Halen brothers created on those records. “Van Halen II” falls right into that mix and shows the band lost NO momentum after their massive debut. I smell little hints of many later genres in here; hair metal attitude (obviously), thrash and power metal guitars, and any genre that has kick-ass drumming.

Acquiring this album on vinyl made me love it because it forced me to listen to the tracks that I would normally skip over while crusing the digital hallways of my iPod. This is an awesome album and an absolute must have for any fans of Van Halen (duh), hard rock, heavy, beer, pussy, weed, awesomeness, carne asada, pulled pork, unicorns, money…you get the drift.

It’s not 100% perfect, but it fucken rules. “Van Halen II” is a sexy piece of lovin’.

- Information
- Released: 1979
- Label: Warner Brothers
- Website: www.van-halen.com
- Band
- David Lee “chug whisky and fuck your sister” Roth: lead vocals
- Eddie “shoot heroin and beat up Valerie Burtonelli” Van Halen: electric and acoustic guitars, backing vocals
- Michael “too cool to still be in this band” Anthony: bass guitar, backing vocals
- Alex “I’m 60 and I still drum better than 99% of fuckers out there” Van Halen: drums

- Tracklist
- 01. You’re No Good (Clint Ballard, Jr. cover)
- 02. Dance the Night Away
- 03. Somebody Get Me a Doctor
- 04. Bottoms Up!
- 05. Outta Love Again
- 06. Light Up the Sky
- 07. Spanish Fly
- 08. D.O.A.
- 09. Women in Love
- 10. Beautiful Girls