### Cryptic Death: Black earth funeral

#### 20/05/09 || Kampfar

If beaten to death with dildos on a sacrilegious altar made by Satan himself, your passing would most likely be classified as yet another cryptic case for C.S.I. to crack open in two minutes using an atom-powered calculator. Dear Odin how I hate that series, just like I did and still do Buffy The Cumgargling Vampire – and every other attempt at slick, brainless entertainment just for the sake of it long ago patented by the fat, greasy, warmongering assholes very well known as the Americans. Blah, I’m tired of hating on the children of those responsible for killing off the Indians and buffaloes already. Nuke Africa!

Simsallabim, hokus pokus, abracadabra, Houdini eat your heart out, now watch me magically transform into a writer made entirely out of sense.

From Haparanda Cryptic Death stems, this a small northernly town in Sweden occupied by Finns. Or rather, a Finnish town Sweden never gave back after a war I know nothing about. I’m not claiming every last inhabitant of Rapemygrandma to have the blood of Ukko running in their arteries but I nonetheless assume the dudes in Cryptic Death to be a bunch of reserve-Swedes who think of Suomi, Finland, Perkele as their motherland. This because I have visited The Metal Archives and done me some research. Not that it matters, all the time this crapper is supposed to be about music, not ancestry and archives. I know you knew, but I obviously forgot. Again.

Keep on chewing, Houdini, what I just wrote made some kind of sense.

The music of Cryptic Death isn’t at all mystic, cryptic, strange, weird, peculiar, odd or wacko. Nor is it brutal, or particularly soft, this band and the demo it holds namely the musical equivalent of brackish water. Brackish as in: a little bit of this, a little bit of that, but not proper anything. Then again, that type of water I just mentioned at least quenches ones thirst, you wouldn’t say, if offered a bottle in the middle of Sahara: “No thanks, I’d drink my own urine before that bland water of yours”. Bland is a keyword, for Cryptic Cumbreath isn’t a craptastic orchestra, they play their instruments well and all that, but if this was the only band in the world I wouldn’t listen to music.

If you’re up for a competently performed yet anaemic mix of black and death, you are hereby recommended upon.

- Information
- Released: 2008
- Website: www.myspace.com/officialcrypticdeath
- Band
- Anton Johansson: vocals, guitar
- Janne Posti: guitar
- Andreas Pelli: bass
- Niklas Pelli: drums

- Tracklist
- 01. Realm of suffering
- 02. Black earth funeral
- 03. Soul furnace
- 04. In shrouds of death