### Nightwish: Century child

#### 28/05/10 || Altmer

Ho-ho-ho! I think Santa is back in town… wait… it’s April when I’m writing this, but it’s a gift to all of ye nonetheless. You see, I am about to review a Nightwish (fish?) album for GD. And we all know what fucken happened when our own Lord K reviewed the ‘Once’ album. And then the ‘Dark passion play’ album. And then the… wait, this is actually the third Nightwish review at this site? Better spread the hate… shit, I can’t do that. I just got approached by a Nightfish fan. Luckily I brought some recording equipment so we can transcribe our little dialogue to the Internet (funny how recording techniques work, huh?).

Here follows a ‘transcript’ from the conversation between Altmer and the Nightfish fan.

Nightfish fan: Hey you, big guy! Don’t you work for that site of that old meanie, Lord K Poopson or whatever is name was? I cried long and hard about that “Once” review! Doesn’t he know that Nightwish got me through my darkest days? Tuomas’ poetry saved my life!

Me: I work for GD yes, but even if I did, my review doesn’t have anything to do with K’s, because I have my opinions, you know. K lets us have those. Unless you are Smalley. As for Tuomas’ poetry, his lyrics are cheesy, torrid crap for the most part with the occasional glimmer of hope. But mostly cheese. Wait, did I say mostly, I meant always. Anyway I like this album called “Century Child”.

Nightfish fan: Aha! So you are a fan, huh! See! I knew it! Big meanies have hearts!

Me: Fan is a big word you know. I don’t drop my panties on a regular basis and wank to “Ever Dream”, know what I mean? Then again, you are probably too young to wank.

Nightfish fan: You use nasty words! Tuomas never uses nasty words! Even when he is angry, he is poetic!

Me: No, that just means he’s a pussy whipped little bitch that can’t speak his mind. And the only reason it sells is because they have a vagina fronting the band. You know, what you have down there. I haven’t verified it though. Don’t expect me to want to.

Nightfish fan: Tarja is a beautiful singer! Her voice is so pretty (at this point a napkin delivery service enters, to wipe off all the ensuring drool off Tinkerbell’s face). She puts so much emotions (editor’s note by Altmer the not so Magnificent: typo fucken intended) into the performance!

Me: Emotion? Basically she sings like a boring professional opera singer. My penis has more emotions. I won’t deny she has vocal talents, but then again, so does Alanis Morissette, and she’s too pop for you to wank over, because you know, at 15 you have to eat too much chocolate and be goth because otherwise the parents will be scared you never fulfilled your teenage rebellion or something. Don’t get me wrong, I kind of like her vocals, I always did, but the fact she is as cold as the fucken North Pole and her English is broken as hell are two plain annoying factors. Even that new vocalissa they’ve got has more emotion, and she can’t even fucken sing properly half the time.

Nightfish fan: You probably like those freaky death metal growls! Marco scares me on “Slaying the Dreamer”!

Me: Those aren’t fucken growls, and those vocals aren’t scary. Or exceptional. Maybe they would be good if he sung more than one note on every song. Oh, wait, two maybe. Well, Mr Marco “My Range Is Not Very Impressive” Hietala, that is not a very good performance. And yes, I like growls, but I also even like some fucken Lady Gaga songs, so I don’t know what that has to do with anything. Anyhow Marco can apparently play bass or something, but I can’t hear it, so next time you are next to Tuomas’s penis for a blowjob, why don’t you ask him to mix the bass h… wait, that would ruin the keyboards.

Nightfish fan: Ha! So you like Maestro Tuomas’ beautiful orchestrations?

Me: Only because here there weren’t any over-reliances on a fucking orchestra. I want to hear Nightwish play, not The Orchestra and The Slightly Pop Metal Backing Band. And even then, the motherfucker can play, but so can the other guys, but that doesn’t give you any good songs you know. There are quite a few good tracks on this album though. Like “Dead to the World”. That is some fantastically catchy shit. Good work, fellers.

Nightfish fan: What about “Forever Yours”! It is such an emotional love song!

Me: If I ever hear you mention that song again I will hang you, Peter Pan, and all your Disney friends up in Satan’s Antechamber as a scarecrow. For the inhabitants to think about. Even the most deserving of idiot rulebreakers, murderers and pedo rapists don’t deserve that fucken atrocity of a song. Mind you it is the only actual atrocity. Some songs here are quite shitty, like “Ocean Soul”, and the second half has the patented “we’re out of hit singles so we need songs” attitude, and then they come up with three crap songs, some fucken musical cover, and an “epic”. What is it with Tuomas including a bunch of crap songs on every album? Give me more of “End of All Hope”, please. That is catchy, powerful and well-written.

Nightfish fan: Satan’s Antechamber! Are you a nasty Satanist? Or worse, an ATHEIST??

At this point, I donned full corpsepaint, metal swords, and impaled Tinkerbell, ritually cutting her up, drinking her blood, and feasting on her flesh, while infecting her with maggots.

Me: There’s yer answer.

And now, for my final judgement:

Recommendation: Write more songs like the first five on the album, kill yourself if you write another ballad, kill your bandmates for sucking on the two songs after that, stop pretending you’re epic enough to ape prog metal bands and keep covering musical songs because it suits your sound. And after you do all of this, hang yerself in shame for the amount of fantastically retarded fans you possess.

- Information
- Released: 2002
- Label: Spinefarm Records
- Website: www.nightwish.com
- Band
- Tarja Turunen: vocals
- Marco Hietala: bass, fuck-alls
- Jukka Nevalainen: drums
- Emppu Vuorinen: guitars
- Tuomas Holopainen: keyboards, pretentious lyrics

- Tracklist
- 01. Bless the Child
- 02. End of all Hope
- 03. Dead to the World
- 04. Ever Dream
- 05. Slaying the Dreamer
- 06. Forever Yours
- 07. Ocean Soul
- 08. Feel For You
- 09. The Phantom of the Opera
- 10. Beauty of the Beast