### Thismeansyou: Retrieving the apparently dead

#### 06/05/10 || InquisitorGeneralis

When you see that a band’s name is a bunch of words jammed into one large nonsensical one, you’re in trouble. Facedowninshit is a great name but the band sucks (sorry grind fiends out there, but it’s true). Iwrestledabearonce… do I really need to say anything about that? I should start a band called Ifuckedafatchickonce. Let me tell you a little secret though…I’ve done that more than once. And today’s offering, how do they stand up? Thismeansyou should be called…

ThismeanswearegenericandsuckgeneriaticAIDSinfectedtesticles.

Now, let me tell you how I really feel…

Thisbandsucks hails from Charlottsville, Virginia. Not too far away from the realm of Teh Inquisitor. You know who else is from Charlottsville? Dave Mathews, and we all know how metal he is. Yeah, I’ve faked liking “Crash” or “Ants marching” to get laid before… by a fat chick. Still, I’d rather listen to Yanni, or Kenny G, or “Reload” before Dave Fucken Mathews. Anyway, if you are looking for derivative metalcore mixed with power metal (what a combo that is!) with mostly weak feminine vocals (actually sung by a woman though), Thisistotallygay’s only release so far “Reviving the Apparently Dead” is right up your alley.

“Order 66” starts off with some decent drumming. Actually, the drumming is the only thing that could be called decent on this entire piece of shit besides the entertaining cover of some old navy manual for trying to wake up and passed out crewmember on the poopdeck. Based on this album’s content I would not be surprised if the sailor ended up buttfuckin’ the passed out guy in next few frames. Less than a minute in though the aggression stops, the pace slows, and the horrible vocals come in. On the melodic parts this chick is really trying to hard to be Amy Williams from Evanescence… who sucks.

That’s right, I’m in serious hater mode today. Dave Mathews? Impale him with a rusty piece of steel fence! Metallica? Should all be ass-raped by herd of Satanic Goats! Amy Williams? Should be tied down, tortured (by a division) and forced to sing on the next The Project Hate record. Evanescence? Two words: flame thrower.

“River” is soo pathetic and whiny it will make you run to the nearest body of water, be it a river, ocean, lake, or even a muddy puddle, and try to drown yourself. Thishurtstopee’s vocalist Kim Dylla gives her best Angela from Arch Enemy impression on “Fistful” and “Demon’s cry” and the band puts out the only tracks on “Giving the inquisitor head, apparently” that are moderately enjoyable. Some times, with horrible results, the vocals change from metal to melodic mid-song and that is so awful it’s funny. I did not make it through the second half of this album, sorry. Here’s a prediction from Inquisitordamus… it blows.

ThisissomethingSmalleywouldlove is clearly a talented group of musicians but trying to be emotional and melodic just kills “Reviving the apparently dead”. There is no resuscitating this expired excrement. The one, and only, nod I will give here is to the excellent production, especially since the record was self-produced and released. Surprise surprise though, this stinker has not been picked up yet by a record label. Thissmellsfunny need to abandon all hope of being radio-friendly or accessible and go extreme because the lighter shit fails completely. Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, going Heavy is this bunch’s only hope.

Thisreviewneedstoend has some, and I mean just barely some, promise: the band and the she-rocker singer have a few decent moments as well as an interesting look. Howfuckenever, the songwriting is shit and Thismeansyou is trying to way to hard to be mainstream. “Reviving the apparently dead” is getting filed under pussy, filed under garbage, filed under torture.

Not as bad as Attack Attack, but certainly not any fucken good.

- Information
- Released: 2007
- Label: N/A
- Website: www.churchofmetal.com
- Band
- Kim: vocals
- Tim: guitars
- Crey:guitars
- Mike: bass
- Brandon: drums

- Tracklist
- 01. Order 66
- 02. River
- 03. Fistful
- 04. Demon’s Cry
- 05. Deception
- 06. My Indulgence
- 07. 10.13.39
- 08. WTFWW
- 09. Crave Misery
- 10. Decay
- 11. Spreading Thin
- 12. Severed Dreams
- 13. Razor Burn