### Dark Funeral - Emperor Magus Caligula

#### 10/04/02 || Lord K Philipson

By now you all pretty much know my admiration and respect for Dark Funeral, unless you’ve lived under a rock for the last 29 years, that is. Or you are dyslexic. Or retarded. Or a power metal fan. Or just plain fucked in the head. Dark Funeral was my first and only choice. Not only are these guys the masters of black metal, they are the brothers that turned me into the style itself and I have yet to be struck by something at the same level as I was with their Diabolis Interium album. Caligula is a really cool fucker who took a lot of time with his answers, making this interview good and worth reading (unlike Myrkskog, for example). This is how I wanted it to come out, this is what you wanna read, I ask the questions, and Caligula answers everything I asked. Some serious shit and some not so serious shit. Some things you wouldn’t expect being said from a guy in one of the leading black metal bands. This is “the shit”, to put it frankly. Dark Funeral steps into my territory of domination, and I embrace them with open arms. Read on and let us know that we truly fucken rule. This is one of the best interviews I ever read if I may say so, and I may for I am the Lord. I bring you… Dark Muthafucken Christ-Pissing Nazarene-Impaling Funeral.

Lord K: First off, do you have anything to say about the review I did on yer latest masterpiece?

Caligula: Fuck, that was without ANY doubts, the best fucking review I have ever read, it warmed up me inside bro’, no shit. I personally like when a review is made with an open mind, has some humour to it, but yet is professionally done. I get fed up with reviews that say more or less the same thing as everyone else; this was different and written with a pure fucking metal soul. I raise my chalice and say “Hail to Thee.”

So, I rule, what else is new? I’ve never given an album a full 10 in a review and you guys got a 9 1/2. How exactly are you going to impress me next time around?

Well I think it will be hard to top that one, but we are full of surprises. I think this album turned out this way just because we found a suitable drummer in Matte Modin, when it comes to talent but also on the personal level. The personal connection with a member is as important (if not even more sometimes) as talent, and having Matte joining the clan went just fine, and it felt right from the first meeting. Hopefully we will get an even better review on the next one, I see it hard to top though (I’m talking about the review itself), but I know you will do a great job, and so will we.

I have no doubts whatsoever in that last line, but moving forward… what in your opinion makes Dark Funeral the best goddamned black metal band around these days? I know a lot of people might disagree with me on this, but that only shows poor taste in music and I know I am most right, so what could it possibly fucken be?

I know shitloads of people who would disagree, and I respect other people’s feelings about our music. But only if they have given the album a chance, and didn’t put it in the stereo, turned it on to just turn it off as quickly, just because we are Dark Funeral. And they CAN NOT like our music NO MATTER WHAT! Sometimes I think a guy who does a review has too much power, so to say. I mean for example, a major English magazine who does not like us, just because we might have said something about them a long time ago. It wouldn’t matter what we recorded, even if we recorded the best selling/sounding album in the whole fucking world. And if they even had a part in the writing themselves, still when it came out it would be rated “not too bad”. Which is fine I guess, but these guys just do not listen to the music. With a Dark Funeral album it takes more than a listen in your car on the way home. You have to sit down, listen to it a couple of times, then something happens… You absorb the musical spirits who are hidden within the songs. These guys aren’t open-minded. I could actually release a fart, and get the rating “not too bad”, hahahahaha. Like some other English brothers can do the same, and get the “tremendous”, “outstanding” ratings and so on. OPEN YOUR MINDS PEOPLE! Study the music and try to feel what the artist is trying to say! Or get a new job because you do a shit-poor one as it is. Learn from the mighty devilish bearded White Trash Devil from the north. Not just because of our review, but I think it was open minded/hearted and one of the most professional reviews I ever laid my fucked up eyes on.

People probably wonder what led to Dominion’s departure, set the record straight for those who believe you are on bad terms and all.

The reason for Dominion’s decision to leave the satanic camp of D.F, is because he wanted to continue with his studies. He felt that if he stayed he would hold us back, if we get a big tour that we would like to do, he would have to ruin our plans because he couldn’t get the time off school. (Damn that sounded like he’s 14 again) He is still and always will be a great and one of my best friends ever, I will miss him a lot in the band. Just to do what he did for the band, shows his feelings for our music and the metal scene, and I guess you could say that he sacrificed himself to save us. I salute him, and he has my highest respect. A better friend and companion you have to look hard for, and the one who will have the privilege to play with him in the future, will know what I’m talking about.

Have you ever thought it was gay to wear a bullet belt but not carry a gun?

No, but pretty stupid!! I always carry a gun with my bullet-belt, or without, HAHAHAHAHA!

Can you pick one favourite band, one that stands above all else, one that makes you wanna drop yer pants and jerk off every time you hear it? You can’t pick The Project Hate coz we are friends.

Hmmmmmmmmm… Well that’s not too hard, The Project Hate of course!! It’s lots of music that gives me that feeling actually, and it does not have to be metal. (Ohhh oh!! Damn I say what I think and don’t hide anything) I like Maiden, Priest, Thin Lizzy, Roffe Wikström, Madonna (well 1 song anyway, “Frozen”) and so on and so on. And if I wanna jerk off because of the song “Frozen” with Madonna, or because the way she looks in the video, well that remains to be seen if I will ever go to, or meet her in concert. Whackka whackka kuken smacka.

You’re a good friend of Peter Tägtgren and did vocals for Hypocrisy in the very beginning. What do you think of Peter’s move toward a more mainstream-like sound on the last album Catch 22? Isn’t Pain enough for that? Personally I don’t think Hypocrisy needs to go in that direction.

Well I think a band should do what they want, and don’t listen to other people that much. And since Hypocrisy is not a 1 piece band, but a 3 piece, it is not only Peter’s choice. I know all the other guys very well, and I know that this is what they wanted to do. If they are happy with the result, then I’m happy for them. All of them are very high up on my personal list of “respected musicians” (as well as the demon behind The Project Hate, lick lick look mom my nose is brown and reeks of poo). I understand that some people do not like their new sound, but if every one had the same taste, me and Peter would be fucking millionaires. (Hold on a sec, he is but I’m not??? Does everyone have the same taste but me??? Daaaaaaaaaaamn!!!!)

You saw that fuckers, didn’t you? In case you missed it, here it is again: ”...my personal list of ‘respected musicians’ (as well as the demon behind The Project Hate)...”. He’s not talking about J. I rule. Let’s get on with it. Sometimes you breath fire during the shows, though it seems like something you just do occasionally. How did that start and have you got fucked up doing that sometime? Doing it with a beard might not be the smartest move these days, so I’m not up for it. Any tips for the people interested in doing it, maybe at home? What should they think of to not cause serious damage to themselves or to the apartment they are in?

Well first off all, l don’t do it inside your apartment. Of course I have had accidents, but nothing serious yet. Knock on wood!! (My head that is) I got started in a stupid way… I was drunk and a member in D.F told me that “in this song you breathe fire!!”. “Ok,” I said and did it. Stupid as I am. I had the demons with me that night and walked away with no damages, and did so for a few gigs. But one time I burnt my hair, I think it was in Belgium…. But I was lucky then because when I am on tour, I have a beer close to me all the time, and I used that to put out the fire before I looked like I had my hair cut by Bruce Dickenson’s mom. I only use lamp oil while doing it because it is less flammable than other liquids. DO NOT USE lighter-fluid or gas! If you find someone who can teach you how to do it, learn from that someone. You will get nicer and bigger flames. It is more serious than some people think, and you could get badly hurt from it. But if you want to look like a freak in the face because your skin burned up, then use gasoline, and just pump it out baby.

That’s a lesson for you kids. Sure it must be ok to breathe fire at a girlfriend, just to show who’s the boss in the relationship? I’m asking this becoz I know a bit about your sexual addictions and perversions. What’s the sickest thing you ever did to a chick in bed, on the floor, whatever. Be it a groupie or a girlfriend. There is a reason you have Emperor Magus Caligula as a name I guess… (If you kids don’t know who this emperor is, I advice you to check it out).

It is ok to breath fire on your partner if it’s at an unshaved pussy I think. There are no other things that turns me off more than a hairy chick. DAAAAMN I’m happy that I was not sexually active during the 70’s. Sickest thing I’ve ever done to a girlfriend wherever, is hard to say as I only do sick things. But to a groupie I guess it was this time in France, when a girl came into our dressing room while I was there alone, got undressed and said that she wanted to fuck my brains out… I told her that she looked stupid and asked her if she had been puffin’ on the glass pipe, and told her to get her fucking clothes on. She did, and walked off… Isn’t that sick? When I was young I did a lot of stupid things, but now I can only find attraction with a girl if they respect themselves. I hate bimbos.

Girlfriends, groupies and bimbos leads me to the following question… Your kids grow up to play in Christian rocks bands, what the hell does a black metal guy do then?

What my kids would do is their own decision. I will treat them like my parents treated me. They are not very happy with the way I turned out, but they could never stop me either, and they accepted that. My kids can do what the fuck they want with their lives, as long as they respect that I do not follow their choice, I will do the same to them. I guess that I should say that I would torch them and throw them inside a wooden church, but sorry, I’m too old and mature for that. I only say things I mean, and will do.

Do you ever get sick of people never letting the past with Dead, Burzum, and all the other crap just die? It seems still to this day that every major BM band has to answer what their views were on the church burning craze. But anyway, what’s your view on Varg?

I have absolutely NO opinion about Varg. What he did is done and it was either him or Öysten. He got to him first. Do I feel sorry or sad?? NO!! Because I did/do not know any of them. Most people who joined the Anti-Burzum campaign did not know anything about the people involved, they just jumped on a black-metal trend. (And then called everyone who didn’t, a trend… HAHAHAHAHAHA). I have met and heard soooo many “kids” on tour talking outside the venues about how much they hate Varg/Öysten and so on… They are fucking kids!!!!! They started listening to black metal when it all happened, and now they talk about it like they were there from the beginning… DAMN, THAT PISSES ME OFF!!!!!! I remember one time in Paris, it was this kid, about 13, with a Dimmu Borgir shirt on… Around him stood the “cool” guys with Burzum shirts on, threatening him to his life and called him a trend. One guy (ugly as fuck, about 15-16 yrs old) who seemed to be the leader of them all, was the worst. I ignored it and walked on, and then later during our show he stood in front of me of the stage, showing me his middle finger. I guess that he got carried away with his “power” over that kid and forgot who he tried to be cool with in front of his friends … Well I do not accept that, and he did not feel so cool when he ran out crying, holding his broken nose in his hand…. BUT!!! The same guy came back the year after, walked up to me with his crooked nose, and apologized. That is bravery and I accepted it and told him that “it is easy to be cool with your friends, but some day you meet someone who actually will do something about it, and don’t just talk”. He was lucky that I was sober that night, or he would have more bones broken.

Is Richard Cabeza a full member of the band or are you just planning on having him for live things?

The mighty Cabeza is just a session member, but we will see in the future. He fits in D.F perfect. Both musically and personally.

Have you seen eel-porn?

Yes I actually got one film called, Horny Goats and Crazy Eel’s. Hahahahahaha, I think that’s a killer title.

How many “true”, “grim” and “necro” black metal people would even think about answering that, in fear of losing face? By the way, how the fuck are you and what are up to nowadays as far as music and porn goes?

I will always be me, and you know how I am. I enjoy everything that gives me something, an eargasm, a hard-on, a good laugh. Right now I’m back into German shit-eating movies, they fucking rule, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Seeing DF have been out gigging pretty much all over the globe, I’m sure you have met a lot of so-called rockstars. Who deserves a good beating and who were the coolest?

Oh yezzzzz, and they usually get a good beating from me, or Ahriman for that matter. I will not mention anyone as they all felt pretty stupid afterwards, and realised that you do not confront me nor Ahriman with a fucking rock-star attitude.

I sure as fuck would have loved to hear names, but admitting owning eel-porn makes up for it. Pretend you are me for a while… How would I answer these questions?

Alice Deejay or Blumchen?

Who???? ( Wrong. Alice Deejay / The Lord )

NHL or NFL?

NHL,NHL,NHL dribble, dribbles, spanks the bald demon. Whooowhaaa. ( Correct / The Lord )

A white wedding or a dark funeral?

Dark Funeral. ( Correct / The Lord )

Jackson or Ibanez?

Any, I suck at them both.

( Self-insight is good, but no score baby. Jackson it is / The Lord )

2 out of 5 man… Let’s stick to being ourselves a little longer. By the way, can I be your new guitarist? Please?

Well, practice a lot, and impress us on an audition. You are half way there already as we like your personality, you are a Dark Funeral Babe…

You are not exactly known for neither compromising nor not telling your honest-ass opinions. As for this year, who are on your shitlist?

And we are finished with counting the votes, and this is the shit-list of Caligula from 5-1.

#5: Ken, self announced rapper from Hässelby. #4: All rappers having other rappers in their videos. #3: The bootleg of the Unisound recording of “Secrets of the Black Arts”. #2: The award winning Swedish artist Hellstrand? Is he mongo or just faking?

And fiiiiinally…

#1: Mortiis’ new album??? WTF???

I lost my Dark Funeral t-shirt this weekend, the one with the logo only on it. Can I please have a new one? You know I also want a bomber jacket?

We will see what Satan Claus brings the bearded babe from hell this year.

Just for your information, I have the bomber jacket with the Dark Funeral logo on it, but I paid for it. The shirt remains to be seen though. Remember I’m turning 29 October 3rd Caligula…Thanx to Metal Sludge, has Emperor Magus Caligula ever (yes or no):

...thought you should get a decent job and stop this music thing?

NOPE!

...paid for sex?

Haven’t we all with movies, dinner etc so… YES!

...beaten up a christian?

YES!

...beaten up someone else just for the hell of it?

YES!

...missed a gig becoz of being too drunk?

Nope.

..laughed at it and continued drinking?

Nope.

...fought with somebody in the band?

Nope.

...passed out on stage?

Yes.

...sent nude pics of yerself to groupies?

Nope.

What is the biggest royalty check you have gotten and what did you buy with it?

Can’t remember… the last one was around 75.000skr ($7500) and I bought a Big Bad Ass BMW. And drank up the rest of the cash.

I want you to do guest vocals with Jörgen Sandström on the next The Project Hate album you know. That means I’ll have my 2 fave-vocalists on the same recording. Do I have to pay you for it and would you say yes?

Your money is no good here you know that. I would be honoured to do it.

You played bass and sang at the same time for a while. How come you stopped that? Too hard to breath fire when having a bass in hand?

No simply because I’m the worst professional bass player around. HAHAHAHAHA, I SUCK!!!!! Honestly.

Is breathing fire metal?

Yes of course!!

What about eating fire? Is that metal too?

Could be, if you got a cool explosion effect afterwards, or flames pumping out from your ass.

Have I asked if you have seen eel-porn? Coz I know that some people really wants to know.

Yes I have, but don’t like it. I like German shit-eating better.

When do you think you’ll be entering the studio to record a follow-up to Diabolis Interium? Any new songs made? Any titles? Anything?

No, sorry to disappoint you. I have some lyrics written that will be used. Ahriman has some riffs done, but we haven’t started to work on it yet. It’s about time we do though.

Thank me for taking the time to do this interview with you, I’m rather busy.

Thank you very much for honouring me by showing some interest in Dark Funeral. I know I’m not actually worthy your attention and feel like one of the chosen ones. And I hope you correct everything I’ve done wrong, and didn’t answer in the “true” black-metal way, so people think that I’m cool and other stuff.

Two more questions. Can I play guitar with you guys?

Yes you can….. IF!!!! You can show us that we are worthy of your skills.

I’ll work on it brother. Last one… Thanx a lot for this crap man, I appreciate it as hell. You can spill your guts on anything you want now. Don’t forget to thank me for being supercool. Hail Satan!

Thanx for the fun interview, I’ve enjoyed it. And thank you for being one of the coolest, meanest, grimmest, cruellest, coolest oh no I’ve said that already. Thank you for being you man, I fucking love you for that. See you soon I hope, got to make this world insecure. And there are only 2 people for that job, and you KNOOOOW who they are, hahahahaha.

C ya’ bro.

Later.

Thank YOU brother, it is my pleasure. I know you fuckers loved this so get to the forums and compliment on this work of art. Thanx for a few of the questions sent to me as well to make you find out things you didn’t know about these christian-killers. Lemme quote myself… “Dark Funeral is to me what igloo’s are to Eskimo’s. Muthafucken home sweet home”.