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Whitesnake: Whitesnake
08/02/11 || Daemonomania
Oh boy, IG’s at it again with his misguided appreciation for Boston. At least this time he’s not polluting the Class 6(66) section with his love of a band only slightly more brutal than Huey Lewis and the News. In retaliation I have decided to cover a puff piece of hard rock history known as “WhiteFuckenSnake”. Or “Serpens albus” in Japan. The band’s members certainly have closer links to metal (Deep Purple, Ozzy, Rainbow, Dio, Thin Lizzy, JOURNEY!) than anyone who was in, who may have met, or who has ever listened to Boston willingly. Fuck Boston, fuck them.
While Boston was providing the soundtrack to male pattern baldness and erectile dysfunction, these bad boys of Britain were busy feeding their white snakes to a significant portion of North America. Including Tawny Kitaen and IG’s sister. If you were conceived sometime around 1987, there’s a distinct chance that a paternity test might reveal some Coverdale in your family tree. “Whitesnake” was the album where the band moved up to headliner status – the subsequent hairsprayed whore stables awaiting them underneath huge stadium stages were rivaled only by those of Def Leppard. Your mother was down there eagerly awaiting a private performance of “Here I go again”.
Speaking of the one-armed bandits, I’ll take the Snake over the Leppard any day. And I’d take needle full of potassium chloride in the penis over Boston twice on Sunday. There are some duds on “Tubesnake”, but cheeseballs like “Crying the rain”, “Straight for the heart”, and ultra-corny “Is this love” certainly nail the denim-clad feeling of the late 80’s. Perfect tunes for a mindless party ending in an orgy characterized by the variety of STDs on display. Looking good, honey!
Best track on here, hands down, has gotta be “Still of the night” though. We’re talking enough monster ballad power to blow the roof off Parliament and give the Queen an assgasm. All whilst teaching that miscreant street urchin ‘arry Potter the true meaning of the holidays. There was probably no need for a drum track on “Still…” – they could have just recorded the sound of thousands of soaked panties dropping to the ground across the planet. Worth the price of buying it used; take it from smart shopper extraordinaire Daemo.
In summary, cheesy as this shit is, least there’s big catchy riffs, a smattering of double bass, and strong Spinal Tap vibes. More than you can say for that rotting vulva of a band known as Boston – fuck them bigtime.
Note: If drunk, add 2 points.
- Information
- Released: 1987
- Label: Geffen
- Website: www.whitesnake.com
- Band
- David Coverdale: vocals
- John Sykes: guitars, vocals
- Neil Murray: bass
- Aynsley Dunbar: drums
- Tracklist
- 01. Crying in the Rain
- 02. Bad Boys
- 03. Still of the Night
- 04. Here I Go Again
- 05. Give Me All Your Love
- 06. Is This Love
- 07. Children of the Night
- 08. Straight for the Heart
- 09. Don’t Turn Away
