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Troll: Universal

10/10/08 || Kampfar

Troll is less known than The Kovenant, this because humanity, even the tiny shred listening to metal, is more or less nothing but a waste of suffering on behalf of all animals and resources, stone included, consumed or otherwise wasted for the sake of nothing. At least I spend much energy convincing people they should stop breathing, doing whatever I can to transfer the obvious pain gone into the collective scream made by the animal kingdom – proudly broadcast by Satan and into my head – unto humanity.

I’m not a hippie, so I can’t hear plants, trees and potatoes.

If you don’t get the link between Troll and The Kovenant, go get educated. I won’t hamper my review with information wasted on retards demanding to be spoon fed. If, however, you are up for some cyanide, say ah.

“Universal” is not really an album, it’s an EP fleshed out with intros, interludes and whatnot. It’s like the record company said: “Fuck you, guys, we need more than this to call it an album. Get the fuck home, eat a bucket of acid, then play around with your computers until you have 15-20 more minutes of material. Pronto, you lazy bunch of cunts, the record is due in 1 week!”.

Take the intro, for example, close to 5 minutes it is, every last second of it, while not bad per se, still utterly useless. See, the next song, “Rex lamsfnhlashilf”, has an intro too, a fucking good one at it. Short and sweet, and with a perfect bridge unto the heaviness. A bloody fine tune it is, and so is much of what follows. In other words, listening to “Universal” is a bit like watching a bad-ass movie broken up by tedious commercials. Not gay, mind you, and at times even interesting, “only” the eeriness overdone and with an all too often tacked on, “we-need-to-flesh-this-fucker-out” kinda feel.

The first thing you’ll notice, after half an hour, is that the production is fucking ace. It’s huge and dense, yet with a sharp edge, and everyone with a pair functional ears should stand a fair chance of picking out every last details put into the effort. Almost, the bass being hard to spot at times. However, my dog told me it sounded good even when I couldn’t hear it. It also told me that David Berkowitz is a bloody liar.

As “Color of evil” sets in, the flashing lights of what turned out to be a police car, fills my living room. Or rather, in the name of not being like David, shortly after it had passed. Anyway, I take it as a sign, the color of evil now officially being a flashing blue light. Hell, entire fucking religions has been based and are still worshiped on thinner layers of reason – because I didn’t make up the flashes nor the police car – than the nonsense I just presented.

Choke on cat piss full of fuck hormones if you are conform and angst-free.

To pin-point “Universal” exactly I’d have to spend much more time and energy than you are worth, so I’ll end here by recommending everyone into mutated black metal with angst aplenty to give it a go. If you are hard on the acid, you might even dig and not just tolerate the other shit I have mentioned 23 times already.

Just got a sudden urge to mention that the vocals are fucked up and weird, which is good, and that Curlyhammer hammer the drums.

7,5 out of 10.

Information
Released: 2001
Label: Head not found
Website: Troll MySpace
Band
Sinister Minister Twice: vocals
Notorious Nagash: guitar
Sensei Ursus Major: bass
Mr. Hellhammer: drums
Amon-D: loops and tricks

Tracklist
01. Intro: my sulphur lover
02. Rex lamictal
03. Sannhetens plagiat
04. President besters alimony
05. Intermission 666
06. Entering the fluid oxygen
07. Color of evil
08. Fields of a new sun
09. Outro: please the pain

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