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Stratovarius: Polaris

10/06/09 || Euthanatos

I stopped everything I was reviewing to spread the word on this album. Yes, it’s that big of a deal. Alas, not the way you think. Wait, you’re reading a GD review, then it probably is what you think. Anyway, what’s important is, this album is so bad, you should only go near it to take it from the shelf and smash it in the ground.

I have no qualms in admitting I like Stratovarius. True, I liked them a lot more when I was younger, but I can still appreciate some of the songs from “Episode” and “Visions”. I still think “Forever” is a great acoustic bit. “Twilight Symphony” features some great songwriting. Timo Kotipelto sang his ass off on a few albums as well. I followed them intently until “Infinite”, the last album I thought was bearable. After that, it all went to shit. I know most of you will say it was already shit before, but let’s pretend you’re not all obnoxious bastards that hate everything with any sort of melody.

Those “Elements” albums were, pure and simple, excrement. No wonder shortly afterwards Timo Tolkki went berserk. He started eating his own poop and drinking Jens Johansson’s piss. No, really! It was on the Internet, so it must be true.

The last hurrah was the self-titled “Stratovarius”, which was just a train-wreck, but everyone expected that by then. After everything Tolkki was pulling out of his ass, it was surprising the band even managed to release an album at all. After much tragedy and drama, they went their separate ways. Tolkki formed the abominable Revolution Renaissance. The other four guys went into limbo for a while, said they weren’t going to continue as Stratovarius, then they were, then they weren’t again, until they finally settled on “Screw it, we have families to feed, let’s do this”. So they sold their souls to the highest bidder, got some guitar prodigy called Matias Kupiainen to fill in and now release this crapstastic record, “Polaris”.

I took the time to tell this little story, because that’s pretty much the only interesting thing about Stratovarius nowadays; the drama. The music is absolutely deplorable, it’s donkey feces, it’s a baby possum’s regurgitated supper, it’s complete nothingness in terms of meaning. Which is kind of surprising, because between Timo Kotipelto and Jens Johansson, who have wrote decent songs in the past, there should be at least ONE reasonable riff, a catchy chorus, just the very least to make you say “hey, that’s not bad”.

Nope. Nothing, Zilch. Nada. If there was ever a reason to stop making records in a physical format, “Polaris” is it. Because it’s just a waste of plastic, of paper, of whatever-the-fuck CDs are made of.

Please. PLEASE. Even if you’re a die-hard fan. Even if you tattooed your butt with the Fleur-de-lis, just don’t even try this. I’m warning you right now, because it will break your heart. And if you hated Stratovarius from before, this isn’t even worth your time for laughs. It’s that bland.

The cover: Ohh, shiny things. Pretty.

1 because at least they can play their instruments right out of 10.

Information
Released: 2009
Label: Ear Music/Armory
Website: www.stratovarius.com
Band
Timo Kotipelto: vocals
Jens Johansson: keyboards
Jörg Michael: drums
Lauri Porra: bass
Matias Kupiainen: guitars

Tracklist
01. Deep Unknown
02. Falling Star
03. King of Nothing
04. Blind
05. Winter Skies
06. Forever Is Today
07. Higher We Go
08. Somehow Precious
09. Emancipation suite: I Dusk
10. Emancipation suite: II Dawn
11. When Mountains Fall

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