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# Global Domination

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## Witnessed

### Jalometalli 2012, Finland: Day 1

#### 24/08/12 || cadenz

Who: Gehenna, Merging Flare, Axegressor, Iron Savior, Vader, Septicflesh, Coroner, Year of the Goat.
Where: Oulu, Finland.
When: August 10, 2012.

Ah, August. That bittersweet time of year when summer is fading and the work year looms heavy on the horizon. Luckily, every year there is one feast to attend that will keep your mental self balanced and the shotgun in the drawer. I am, of course, speaking of the grand Jalometalli Metal Music Festival in Oulu, Finland. This unhallowed birthplace of many a metal band (with Sentenced and Impaled Nazarene probably being the most recognized worldwide) is often referred to as the “most metal” city in Finland, which is often referred to as the “most metal” country in the world. A two-day metal event in this place should be a treat, eh?

Jalometalli (“precious metal” in Finnish. You know, the chemistry term) is known for booking underground bands as well as more widely hailed stalwarts, which gives the festival a little extra cred. The event is held at Club Teatria, a monstrous ex-meat industry hall that has 50 feet to the ceiling and holds about 2500 people and one of the main stages, the other being erected just outside in the open. The club was co-founded by former NHL star Janne Niinimaa, which is cool because hockey is cool. As ice. Ice baby.

Anyway, we arrived to the scene in much disarray, meaning in the early stages of un-soberness. Not many of the thousands of metalheads, or dickheads for that matter, that would later infest the place had arrived yet, the hour being too early for TRVV vampires. Unluckily for them, one of the most KVLT bands of the festival were the first outfit to enter the stage. Gehenna of Norway blasted their set to a couple hundred quasi-sober morons, including myself, without much success. Obviously the corpse paint the seasoned black metallers had donned was of a magickal sort, as it managed to bring on an almost full-body rigor mortis to the whole ensemble. Yeah, they were that stiff. Actually, I witnessed the stiffest thing in the world since Clinton’s boner when Monica L knelt under the desk when I levelled my gaze at guitarist Sanrabb’s picking hand during tremolo riffs. I’ll be generous and give you a free lesson on the subject: How To Master Untight Black Metal Guitar Ov Death. 1. Lift up your right shoulder a few inches. 2. Tense like a motherfucker. 3. Begin flailing with your whole arm from the shoulder down, still tensed, up and down in an irregular, diabolical and spastic fashion. 4. Repeat until slower riff saves you (hopefully) from tendonitis.

The guitar sound being as muddy as they come, one of the kick drums barely audible and the croaked vocals indecipherable, Gehenna’s newer tracks didn’t quite get the treatment they deserved to sound as good as they do on record. Luckily they blasted “Morningstar” from “First Spell”, it was nice to hear at least one song from the 90’s. I’m going to score these gigs ‘cause scoring is fun, and since the Norsemen didn’t quite deliver, a 4 is in place. A dark club setting at a later hour would be preferable to their music.

“-Dude, I’m so glad we bought matching T-shirts!”
“-Yah bro, and look! They go well with the backdrop too!”

Note: Yes, you can blame me for all grainy photos. They are the foul doings of the symbiosis between my shaky hands and a cellphone. You should be grateful I didn’t include the pics of my penis. Yet.

Inside the club we got a blaring welcome into the ADHD/Dragonforce metal of Merging Flare, who sucked it big time. Sorry, no they didn’t. This kind of Tourette’s shredding is just too much for my old ears. The only thing helping their cause to a 4, in addition to their excellent musicianship, is their rendition of the MacGyver theme.

Next we decided to pay a visit to the smallest stage, where thrash maniacs Axegressor were bringing it hard. Quite catchy songs and tons of charisma make a winning recipe, and they clearly got the crowd going. These guys are certainly recommended to fans of the harder variety of thrash, and earn a deserved 7 in my book.

“-Dude, check out my James Hetfield Explorer stare! On motherfucking BASS!”

Iron Savior is a power metal band I never cared a fuck about. Today I got a reminder why that is. Boring vocals, boring songwriting, boring solos. The 3 most interesting things were the flashy shiny items belonging to Piet Sielck – his shaved head and his boobs – which he showed off in a most disturbing fashion.

“-Dude, check it out, my baldness emits an aura of lamp! Also, check out my left boob! It emits an aura of… boob! Booooooobbb……hafhlhlhhgrrghhghhlllhh…”

Deicide was one of the first bands to get booked to the festival, and one of the reasons I decided to attend. Very unsurprisingly, they cancelled, due to whatever fucktard reason this time, and a replacement had to be found. When the announcement that Vader would step in came about, I sighed in relief. Piotr & co couldn’t disappoint, could they? No. No, they fucking couldn’t. Here’s what you need to know about Vader’s set. They killed. They conquered. They reigned. Supreme. New drummer James Stewart is a beast, lead guitarist Spider has some amazing chops, and Piotr’s vocal delivery and stage presence is the pure definition of self-confidence. With a general like that, you just know your troops will march out of the battlefield victorious. What about the songs they played? Well, here’s an outtake: “Sothis”, “Dark Age”, “Carnal”, “This Is the War”…do you need to know more to understand that this was supreme death metal domination? The only complaint I have is regarding the song choice for the last encore: “Raining Blood”. Yes, it’s the goddamn ultimate song to end a concert. But it’s not a goddamn Vader song. And Vader have a lot of goddamn amazing songs of their own that could easily serve as good as the Slayer classic as their set closer. Still, the soreness in my neck after this violent assault to the senses testifies that the Poles are worthy of a 9. At least. Now the planet had also turned to such an angle that most of the attendees had arrived; the place was quite packed.

“-Rock, paper, scissOOOOORSS! No, morons, the devil’s horns ain’t part of this game. Once more! Rock, paper… ah, fuck it. Let me hear you say SATAAAAAAAAN!!!”

The next band wouldn’t get an easy task, following Vader’s slaughter, and though they didn’t approach the same crushing level, Greeks Septicflesh made a tight delivery of their slightly oriental-tinged orchestral death/dark metal inside the hall. A heavy emphasis on rhythmic riffs and sampled orchestrations permeated the set, and Spiros Antoniou made his presence known by growling admirably, wearing his bass below his knees and using the word “motherfuckers” at least seven million times in between every song. A 6 is warranted for the heaviness, minuses for the heavy reliance on orchestra tapes; I understand the need to use ‘em, but sometimes it’s just too much. Maybe re-arrange some songs for a real live setting? You lose the orchestral aural part, but you get a more direct connection with the crowd when everything is created in that very moment.

“-Dude, check this out! I’m playing bass with my kneecaps! They totally should make this an Olympic event!”

Now we’ve reached the headlining band for the first day, Swiss thrash legends Coroner. On this their first ever gig in Finland, the trio’s appearance was much awaited, and this was clearly visible in the energetic response they received from the audience. Blasting through tracks from almost all of their albums, and some more unknown ones, the set list was heavy with “Grin” and “Mental Vortex” songs like “Internal Conflict”, “The Lethargic Age”, “Divine Step (Conspectu Mortis)” and “Grin (Nails Hurt)”, and ending it off with a double golden oldie encore featuring “The Invincible” and “Reborn Through Hate”. The playing was as tight and reliable as a Swiss clock, as expected, but somewhere in the middle of the set I started to grow weary of the minimalistic stage show the Coroners put on, and was hoping for some of the youthful spirit and run-in-their-legs that Municipal Waste were sure to exhibit the following night. And no, their age is not an excuse, just watch Iron Maiden! Nevertheless, witnessing these icons was a privilege, and a 7 is the least I can give them in return.

“-Dude, why the fuck did they install those lamps BEHIND us?! I can’t see what I’m fucking doing here!!”

The first day of Jalometalli 2012 ended with a Swedish occult rock band that is not Ghost, nor are they nowhere near as good as Ghost. I’m of course talking about the needlessly hyped Year of the Goat, who deserve none of the cred they’re given. I can sum up their gig with one word – it was flat out BORING. No dark atmosphere, no catchy melodies, no great solos, embarrassing speeches in between songs and a lousy vocalist with no power or luster to his voice, and mediocre intonation skills at best. Tomorrow’s last band is the Year of the Goat’s genre pals The Devil’s Blood, who will hopefully deliver better than the 3 the Swedes gave us.

“-Dude, you need to grow your hair back! Even if you’re just the keyboardist, c-c-c-combo breaking is not allowed!”

In conclusion, Vader fucked all others in the ass and there was beer to be had. Good times? You betcha. Now it’s time to say goodbye ‘til next week – the 2nd day sees Matt Barlow’s replacement belting “I Died for You”, Lord K’s doppelganger churning black metal in corpse paint and the festival’s biggest wall of death. I’ll leave you with a beautiful picture of the MOST TRVE KVLT facial expression+beard of the Jalometalli weekend, courtesy of my cousin.

“-Dude, check out my beard skulls – I gave them a hair lobotomy! HAHAHAHAHA! No, I know that’s not funny. Piss off.”

Witnessed

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