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# Global Domination

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## Witnessed

### Soaphammer: 2009-21-04

#### 18/05/09 || Global Domination

Who: Soaphammer
Where: The Ottobar: Baltimore, Maryland USA
When: 2009-21-04

Hill Billy Jim loves Teh Soaphammer, and you should too cocksmoker! Read on to find out why

Baltimore’s own Soaphammer is the band you would get if the Allman Brothers did more heroin than usual as well as a shitton of methamphetamines while listening to EyEhategod and drinking Sloegin by the gallon. These nine mysterious maniacs only unite every few months or so to spread their lathering goodness all over yearning, vag-fingering crowds in the Baltimore area. On this warn spring night ground zero was the Ottobar, prime meeting house for Baltimore’s metal and alternative community. Well, I know several of these crazy fuckheads personally so I figured I would check ‘em out and show my support for the local metal scene here in Charm City!

Soaphammer takes the stage… and the world by storm! Feel the heavy lather!

Soaphammer includes musicians from local and regional Baltimore-based acts like Swarm of the Lotus, Ambuvega, Sixty Watt Shaman, Stillhouse, Misery Index, Bet the Devil, and Trephine. The line-up is like a good old Southern BBQ, you never know what sweet, spicy meat will be on the grill! For our audio taste buds this night we got a packed stage featuring two of everything! Like a Noah’s Arc for stoner metalheads the band tonight featured two drummers, two guitarists, two bassists, and two vocalists! It’s Bawlmer hon, we bring the gang when we boogie up at the hoe down!

Soaphammer’s sound is a smoking bubbler of many different types of musical cannabis. There are elements of stoner (duh), doom, sludge, and straight up southern friend original recipe fucken metal. Besides musical styles Soaphammer offer every type of stereotypical metalhead appearance as well. Maniacal bassist Rev. Jim has a beard that would give Lord K a run for it’s money and some serious cranium tattoos. Guitarist Pete Swarm looks like an evil, satanic Bob Marley. The Devil’s Advocate looks like…me! No, seriously, hot chicks ask me if I am Teh Advocate frequently, than they walk away disappointed or offended. Vocalists The Mighty Seth and Gerrymander are walking body art canvasses and quite handsome in thier signature overalls.

All kidding aside, these guys live the metal life and are 100% genuine kickass rockers…allthough when Soaphammer hits the stage it does look like the childmolester convention just rolled into town…and yours truly was all too happy to buy his ticket! As you can see from the totally awesome flyer above Soaphammer were not the only show on the bill. However, I could give a rat’s ass about Is it bad Karma When My Penis Burns? or The Expoopentials. I was there for the Dove, Ivory, and Irish Spring sweetness of Soaphammer. Enough fluffing, let’s get to the frothy aural penetration!

Reverand Jim and the Devil’s Advocate show the unknowing pukes how to jam out and grow hair like real fucken men!

The boys opened with the rousing and upbeat “Fossil fuel” to the delight of the hometown crowd. Soaphammer can groove and they need to get some shit on tape ASAP. It seemed there were some technical issues throughout the set but the band played on… not in a gay way though, these are manly men and Bromance does not factor in to the Soap… unlike our forums here on Global D. They delivered a good 45 minutes of groovy gravy goodness. Staying true to thier roots they pumped out solid versions of “BBQ asswhuppin’” and “Big ass truck”. Both of these songs are as awesome as their fucken names and really show what this band is all about: booze, drugs, friends, and metal. These twangy, hard but catchy, and rocking songs invoke the spirits of Ronnie Van Zant, John Bonham, and that kid from Peanuts who had the flies around him all the time… I’m sure his dirty ass is feeding worms by now too!

Pete Swarm and The Devil’s Advocate unloaded hot, tasty licks song after song. I heard alot of Pepper and Kirk in those two but they certainly are not carbon copies of more popular musicians. Pete and the Devil are mighty fine pickers. While the music certainly did not need two drummers Iron Maben and Baby Puppy kept things moving at a solid pace. They also had a nice contrast in style: Maben is more of a spastic, Moon-esque player while Baby Puppy kicks out the jams a tad more stoicly. Either way, having two drummers is certainly kicking it old school (hello, .38 Special anyone???) and certainly added a nice touch to the proceedings. Demonic Preacher Rev. Jim and the scrappy Salt and Pepper Demon double-teamed bass duties with gusto as well.

The Soapsters did debut some new material. “Blowin’ up” was a nice number about cell phones ringing, cars exploding, and other nonsensical topics. Vocalists The Mighty Seth and Gerry, the Beantown Basher traded off choruses as effortlessly as a synchronized figure skating team…albeit one made of a 6 foot 4 inch mohawked behemoth and a diminutive yet dominating Bostonion rocker, both of whom are covered neck to nuts in tattoos! (I am guessing about the nuts part, everything else is inked. It’s a logical conclusion…fuck you!)

Singer’s The Mighty Seth and Gerry’s Angry Kid… ladies how would you like to bring them home to momma? They would probably eat mom out… with BBQ sauce!

Overall, the show was great and for a nine-piece group that plays only a handful of shows they definitely brought the serious rock to Teh Ottobar on this weekday night. Their style is hard to classify. They run the gambit from crusty doom to southern rock and I am serious when I say they need to record some shit properly pronto. Their stage presence is goofy but makes an impression. And more so than the image they project, which is hairy, greasy, and drowned in booze, these guys can fucken play!

Two of each animal worked for Noah…and although I am sure they don’t read the Bible it works for Soaphammer too!

Check these guys out mortal cockslaves! I have provided at link to the band’s MySpace below. If you do not like them, let me know and I will send you a free certificate to the Jelly of the Month club… actually I will send you a picture of me naked taking a dumb on a cabbage patch doll will your name scribbled on it! Fuck you if you deny the power to the Soap! Fuck you to hell.

Soaphammer are the real fucken deal and I am happier than a tube of lube at a midnight truckstop orgy that I got to finally see them bubble up the bathtub live. Hail the mighty Soaphammer!

Witnessed

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