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# Global Domination

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## Witnessed

### Getaway Rock Festival 2012: The experience chronicle

#### 26/09/12 || sincan

Who: A shitload of bands.
Where: Gävle, Sweden.
When: July 5th to 7th, 2012.

Since Getaway had a pretty good line up and the dates for the festival fitted in my busy life I decided to visit the city of Gävle for what I think was my first time. Gävle is a city further north compared to where I live and since Sweden is pretty fucking north by nature one can say that I went north deluxe, and Gävle is still somewhere below the middle of Sweden so If you go further north you will reach Nifelheim. However, during summer the weather is usually nice, according to rumors from people who have survived the polar bear attacks, snowstorms and inhabitants who’s life mostly includes moonshine and snowmobiles. Fasten your seatbelt and prepare yourself with some mosquito protection spray or the best rifle you got…

Me and some fellow anti life metal warriors of forbidden light were going together to the festival. To distract life metal sheep of allowed light we went in small groups, some by car and some by train. Me and two other companions went by my car which is lacking air condition and it was really fucking hot and sunny and wearing only the true color during those conditions is, let’s say, tr00. Except for that and the fact that the ride took about 7-8 hours including break for food and buying beer the ride up to Gävle went according to my plan.

When we arrived we started with raising the tents in the camp which some fellow companions already had attended to, together with a bunch of people I didn’t know, and yet don’t know. This because not making friends with festival people who is only drinking when there is some good music to listen to ist krieg. By now I was really fucking thirsty and the nearest liquid was my warm beer. I started to drink one by one and after a while we opened a bottle of whisky, the shittiest ever, and somehow my memory is a bit messy from that time until the next morning. It’s weird that you get better and better to mix whisky and coke the drunker you get, if better equals making stronger ones.

I woke up too fucking early the day after, the same day as the festival started, feeling like shit for some weird fucking reason and I really had to pee. The only problem was that it’s hard to convince yourself to leave your warm sleeping bag when it’s a could world outside so I fought the urge to pee and laid myself in the typical fuck the world fetus position in a couple of hours.

When I finally went up I took a nice breakfast beer. The weather were very nice compared to this year’s constant rain and coldness so one can’t say anything about that, except for the fact that it was too hot. First I went and saw a couple of songs from Obituary’s gig, it sounded pretty good but I must say that I’m lacking some knowledge in old school death.

Then I went to see Kvelertak for the first time. I must say that I think their album is pretty ok and their track “Mjød” is really fucking good. They pulled of an intense gig with their crazy singer (Erlend Hjelvik) jumping around, showing some nice belly action, and climbing on the amplifiers and jumping down and whatnot. The thing is that I think they tend to be a bit monotonous on their album and thus live, maybe if one listens some more to the album the problem walks away, just like the girl you said hello to recently, because of recognizing all the details and stuff. They also played a new track which sounded pretty neat including some more stereotypical black metal riffing compared to their other stuff. Kvelertak sure gets some extra points since Erlend stage dived.

After the Kvelertak gig it was time for the most good looking mustaches at the festival, namely Graveyard. They are really fucking tight and gets an even deeper sound live. Its nice with some fucking old school delivered in a genuine way. I just closed my eyes from time to time just to absorb the fantastic music, or maybe I was tired since yesterday’s conquers, actually I guess on the first one. Again I got reminded of the fact that I have to get their first album, the second one is really good and a must have for people who like some hybrid of psychedelic rock, hard rock and some blues now and then.

Then it was time for Venom, Cronos not only brought himself, but his fantastic haircut, or maybe the highest forehead during the festival. They opened with black metal and it sounded really good. I have never seen Venom before but the rumors are that they usually play kind of bad, so I guess I’m lucky. Well of course I’m lucky since I’m so fucking hilarious and humble. I however don’t consider myself the biggest Venom fan there is, for various reasons, so I will not say anything more here. I must confess that I haven’t heard everything that they have put out during the years, I blame that one my age not being too old nor too young.

The last band I saw that day was Ghost. FUCKING BRILLIANT! After the Ghost gig one could see in the eyes of people who where there that they got converted to the dark side were no light is forbidden and were people work during Sundays. They might not yet know it. I heard cuntless of persons say that they wanted to see Ghost again because it was so good and for once I have to agree with the mob!

Very much circulated about poop this day. Usually one might say that there is love in the air (in the tents) but this day was special since it was poop in the air, Literally and metaphorically speaking. First it was the fucking seagulls from outer poop-hell who practically covered everyone’s tent in shit, then maybe because being influenced by that the people in our camp and people passing by started to tell in real life weird poop stories (irlwps as we all know them!), without getting into too much details I can say that people are one sick fuck. One of the most brilliant ones was that one about a man who was cleaning a floor from his poop with his favorite Accept vinyl. I guess it sounded like shit (wow, how gorgeous I am!)

The next day (Friday) I wasn’t that hungover and it started with some technical death’n‘stuff from Meshuggah, playing tight as a 15 year old girl’s vagina. However the photos I took from this gig is mostly covering a madman in a enormous underbite.

Then I went to Amon Amarth and Hegg was commenting all people for being hangover and he said something about your penis (see the picture), I don’t blame him. “Cry of the black birds” was delivered in a fucking good way and the whole gig was pretty damn solid. The highlight was when someone threw a toy viking helmet up on the stage and Hegg put it on his head, this during a song, no it wasn’t. Personally I think they lost some of their spark after “With Oden on our penis” but the fire was burning as a fart on fire during this gig. Finally I must say that people who write in shitty newspapers or other asswipe paper shitty things with words written by lower minds who tends to write “Amon amaaarthe’s best ballad was that about a fart in a fire, no I mean “Death in fire”. After that song they became just a bleak copy of themselves.” can go fuck themselves with a wasabi covered hammer in the eyes, starting with the brown one. It’s a good song, but it’s not like it’s then thousands of times better than other songs they have made. I really like “With Oden on our side” and also their first album with tracks as “Victorious march” and “Amon Amarth”. “Death in fire” being their only good song? pfff what the fuck is… And again our beloved death metal superstar LG, the hunk, Petrov guested during “Guardians of arsetard” THE best song from the album “Twilight of the thunder god”

Then we went to the camp to drink some beer and do other drunk related stuff to prepare ourselves for Satyricon. Satyricon must be the second best photogenic band in the world, after Ghost. This except of Frost who is hiding all the fucking time! The Satyricon gig was SPOILER! That was everything worth mentioning during Friday, at least as my old memory can remember.

The Saturday started with me seeing a Swedish band almost no one here knows about so I don’t even mention it since they don’t play metal and you will just go wtf-mode as the cumbuckets you are. Then it was time for the cows in Weedeater. Their front man must have escaped from a mental hospital or similar according to his looks during the performance, and this is a compliment, fucking fits awesome with their music. He also seemed to suffer from the typical chronic “fuck you”-middle fingers. For me the song Mancoon was the most memorable one and it was heavy as a really heavy thing can be and yes, the front man looked like a seriously fucked up Townsend from time to time.

While walking back to the camp we saw one of the most famous black metal personalities in the scene nowadays standing on the top of a car and shouting. Yes, it was worth mentioning. No they didn’t perform during the festival.

When I was younger I bought a fucking Metal hammer magazine and together with that magazine I got a dvd disc, it was because of the metal hammer golden dildos awards thing or similar. It contained some good music, and also some shit covered in elk cum being called music. One thing really nestled it’s way into my brain from it. There was this music video which for me was really weird and yet so interesting by a band with a front man looking like a fucking dopesmoking fucko with the most fucked up haircut man has ever seen. I really hope you start to understand where I’m going with this! Well, the song is called “Love?” and it’s of course Devin Townsend and his Strap-on young lad I’m talking about. Another feature of this dvd was Mastodon’s song “Blood and thunder” which made me avoid them until their latest album “The cunter”. Well, let’s go back to Getaway rock festival and Devin Townsend Project which played during the Saturday. Or maybe not yet.

I was saddened when I heard that Devin was going to lay low during some unknown time which of course meant that SYL was going to be on a hiatus. When I heard about his project and all the things he had recorded during his time “away” from the music I got really thrilled. Yet I haven’t picked up the Devin Townsend Project albums for some reason, and for that I’m pretty ashamed, but I blame the world and not me.

So there I stood taking some awesome photos of this before weird looking guy and listening to his new stuff, and I can’t but say that I will for sure pick it up when the time is right. I must give him cred for being awesome on stage, he is really into what he is doing and yet so self-conscious and immature in the best of ways one can be. The gig was so entertaining in all aspects so I will most likely see them again if I get the chance. Devin also did one of the most entertaining guitar solos I have ever seen, at least when it comes to not focusing on the actual guitar playing. It’s hard to put down in words without sounding really boring and lame and shit, however the result was that it was hard not to laugh your cock out of your mouth. The guy is really a genius and he still looks like a mad one with his facial expressions.

The last band I saw was the Polish army Behemoth. According to me and some fuckfaces the stage they played on had during the festival had troubles with too much bass but when it comes to Behemoth it fitted them pretty good with their heavy music, making it heavier, more powerful and a lot of girls got pregnant because of that.

I guess it’s time to say something about the festival itself when it comes to arrangement and that kind of stuff. I start with the camp site. My first impression after arriving to the camping was that everything felt so small (my cock is not considered here). This was great because you could walk from one camp to another without having to wear hiking equipment. It was always close to the portable toilets and the drinking water. However it took about 5-10 minutes to walk to the festival area, this depending on how drunk you where.

If you are like me when it comes to wanting to take a shower during the morning after waking up soaked by your own sweat in a tent with a temperature beyond hell a good thing was the showers being of no charge. There were seldom any queuing needed which was really good compared to other festivals, like Hellfest where queuing is the main activity regardless what you’re going to do, like take a shit, fuck or entering your own tent.

When it comes to Swedish festivals the food is really boring, often bad and more expensive than you. It doesn’t get better by the fact that the same food-people go to all the festivals making you kind of feed up (did you see what I did there?) with it. However there was a groceries store, a pizzeria and a thai take away close to the camping, that was fucking ace.

The festival area was pretty good. There were no long distances between stages or whatever, and there were no big problems with interfering sound from gigs which took place at the same time. During the first day they didn’t have any free drinking water at the festival area. That is fucken bad because water is kind of important during festival circumstances. However they fixed that for some reason and that was good. When it comes to the sound sound one of the stages, as said before, had a bit too much bass but otherwise it was good.

To sum up everything in a nice manner, like the nice mannered man I am I have to say that this was a pleasant festival which felt small (in a good way and not like in a small cock way) and genuine. If I could change anything I would have loved some more black metal bands, but that seems to be a big fucking problem when it comes to all Swedish rock or metal festivals. It seems like they’re thinking “Hey, we got one black metal band, now the black metal trve grim fans will be pleased!”.

Witnessed

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