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# Global Domination

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## Witnessed

### Jalometalli 2012, Finland: Day 2

#### 28/08/12 || cadenz

Who: Achren, Unholy, Gorguts, Iced Earth, Baptism, Municipal Waste, The Devil’s Blood.
Where: Oulu, Finland.
When: August 11, 2012.

After a good night’s sleep at the hotel, it was time to don the blazer and get to work again. The first day had been a good one, now we were just hoping for the rest of the show to carry it home with the flag hoisted high.

We arrived just when Nekromantheon’s set ended, which sucks ‘cause I had hoped to catch those fuckers live, and apparently they killed it. Still, that pizza was more important – the importance of preserving one’s energy for a whole afternoon/evening/night of boozing and banging (and booing, as it would turn out) is one of the first lessons you learn when festivaling.

So the first band we caught was Scottish black/thrashers Achren. With a fucked-up sound that muddled up the guitars and carried no airwaves from the bass, handled by a handsome fellow in a kilt (see below), there wasn’t much discerning anything else than the general tempos and vocal arrangements. Not at first, anyway. Then I decided to go FREAKING MENTAL and push my earplugs as deep as they would go. When their tips met at the middle, I started to hear some OK thrashing riffs and a couple of OK lead melodies. And no, it didn’t sound any better without earplugs, tried that as well. When my head decided to get a minor migraine because of the frontman Scott Anderson’s guitar being so out of tune a sheep would’ve killed himself, we decided to leave the hall. I slap the Scots with a 5 and the sound engineer with a backhand to the face.

-“Dude, check out my package when I do the Yngwie kick!”

Outside, on the smallest stage, Finnish veteran doom metallers Unholy were making fun of tempos over 20 bpm – in top hats. That look is just pure silly, and doesn’t get better when your songs are the dullest this side of Year of the Goat. The best thing about this gig was that I could finish my Krusovice Cerné in the sunshine. So a 3 is in place.

Next up was another Krusovice, and some Canadian fuckos who decided to annihilate the main stage with their technical death metal. Gorguts took us by ass, handed it to us, and made us eat it. With relish. In short, they ASSED us. With maniac Patrice Hamelin on drums leading the charge, this was a pure display of raw power, psycho tempo changes and an execution so tight, not even your microscopic dick could penetrate it. In other words, you can’t fucking fuck Gorguts. They fuck you. With the set list consisting mostly of songs from their two latest albums, the groove gave place to the tech, but the delivery was so immaculate that we could only surrender under the barrage. “Stiff and Cold” garnered the biggest boner in my book, and it was great to see these fuckers finally make their Finland gig debut. A solid 8.

-“Dude, check out those lights! They convey the Evil Lime Green of Death and the Ghastly Red of Bloodshot Hangover Eyes!”

After this we decided to fill our bellies with more food, take a small nap (yes, I’m getting old) and returning for one of the gigs I was looking forward to the most: Iced Earth. During our walk to the stage, I kept bombarding my fiancée with arguments on how Stu Block was a great replacement for the charismatic Matt Barlow, who is of course the one and only TRUE Iced Earth frontman. I was probably trying to convince myself more than my better half of this, and I’m sorry to say that most of my expectations crumbled like your foot when you step on a Lego in the dark. Stu Block was horrible. Absolute, fucken horseshit. OK, not quite, he was energetic, got the crowd going (though it looked a bit awkward at times) and the voice timbre of his high falsetto screams were really impressive. So what’s not to like, then? Well, the dude was OFF KEY ABOUT 80% OF THE GIG. The song I had looked forward to the most, my favorite Iced Earth song, “I Died for You” is a fantastically simple and effective half-ballad, and it got fucken raped in the ear with a chainsaw named Block. Not only did he try too hard to sound like Barlow – which is a dead end as Block’s voice is much higher and doesn’t have that deep baritone roundness, resulting in him sounding weak, meek and uncontrolled – he sang the verses in a different key. The band played in E flat, the fucker sang in E. Me and the Mrs. just stared at each other in disbelief, going: “Is this guy for real?! Doesn’t he hear how fucken shit it sounds?!” In other off-key news, band dictator deluxe Jon Schaffer can’t sing for shit. Bassist Luke Appleton’s harmonies were much more stable. Schaffer also seems to think that his guitar is the only one worth hearing, as it was mixed WAY too loud. Troy Seele’s leads were great – I guess. Didn’t hear a note. And I was standing by the mixing tent. I gave the engineer the evil eye a couple of times during the solos, making him flinch but not getting any results in the sound picture. Fuck him. Now that I’ve whined about everything being shit, I can end the IE paragraph on a more positive note: the set list was cool, four songs from the newest record was maybe a bit much but we also got “Pure Evil”, “Burning Times” and of course closer “Iced Earth”. I also have to dub Schaffer’s right hand as the second best rhythm guitar picking hand in metal. Hetfield is untouchable, but the bite, drive and force in Schaffer’s picking is truly impressive. All in all, I’m going with a 5 as the gig was good except for Block. Who sucked.

-“Dude, check out this NOOOOOOOOOOOOTE!!! It’s in another key than what you’re playIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!”
-“Fuck you man.”

How many black metal bands can uphold an evil, oppressive aura in sunlight, with a few hundred drunk metalheads in front of them? That’s right. Watain. They didn’t play Jalometalli. Baptism did, though. The Finnish one-man band was now a five-piece, and put on an uncompromising show of primitive black metal. One of the hired guns was obviously Lord K’s doppelgänger, complete with a shaved head and a beard to his belly. Though the corpse paint obscured his facial features, I could tell it was in fact not our dear Mr. Philipson for two obvious reasons: 1. K doesn’t approve of this kind of black metal and 2. the guitarist wasn’t nine feet tall. Any which way, although I beforehand didn’t know any of the songs they played, the conviction they displayed blasting out the minor key riffs was tangible, and a strong feeling of darkness was present. This state didn’t last for long though, what with the sun still shining and my peeps cracking jokes about the other string bender’s guitar strap falling off all the time (OK it was me), but put this in a dark club at night and you have a genuine black mass going. A really strong effort, well worthy of an 8. And props to the amazingly technically gifted drummer Irh (also in Deathchain). You don’t hear that kind of steady and skilful drumming on most black metal gigs.

-“Dude, check it out! I’m playing with my beard! The spirit of Satan invokes you through my facial hair!”

The 2nd day’s headliner was none other than US crossover thrashers Municipal Waste. I had no hopes of this turning to anything other than a pile of feces, so I was positively surprised when I discovered that these guys have humor, self-distance and a great dialogue with the audience. Their songs are still at best mediocre, but most of the crowd seemed to be there mainly for this band so they got a great response. As mentioned in the day 1 chronicle, this day held the festival’s biggest wall of death. It was orchestrated by these fuckers. What takes away from the title is the fact that it was the only wall of death we witnessed. A stupid thing, but fun to watch of course. Just like Baywatch. We also got to sing “Happy Birthday” to the drummer (I think), hear their epic political song “Black President” (lasted about as long as “You Suffer”) and saw a magnificent inflatable plastic shark roaming the front rows. So there was definitely some 6-worthy party going, even though I partook more in the beer drinking and vinyl shopping activities than the moshing up front. Better than expected, for sure.

-“Dude, check it out, I’m not even playing the same song as you guys and no one’s noticed yet! Thrash forevaaaa!!”

Closing up the festivities was Netherlands’ occult rockers The Devil’s Blood, who started their set the second the midnight hour struck. In the dark hall, with a suggestive and gorgeous light show backing them visually, this was the highlight of the festival. I’ve always liked TDB on record, but this…this…this was magic. The atmosphere the six-piece wove with amazing songs like “River of Gold”, “Fire Burning” and “Christ or Cocaine” was dense with unbridled passion and fervor. F “The Mouth of Satan” has an immensely powerful and expressive voice and her minimalistic movements enthralled the whole audience.

-“Dude, check this out! I. Am. CornHOLIOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

The band stretched out already long riffs to fifteen-minute long jams, hypnotizing us with their craft. All of the three guitarists got to leave their mark, repeatedly, with extensive soloing that sometimes seemed to carry on a little too long, but I fully understand and respect the purpose: to get it all out. Everything. Every fucking note. Katharsis through the channelling of your spirit into the music, the most noble and true way of expressing yourself. The greatest moment was “Voodoo Dust”, which seemed to never end, and we never wanted it to… The band displayed a remarkable feel for dynamics and interplay, when they made a many minutes long crescendo, taking it higher and higher and higher and higher… only to bring it down to an intimately soft level again, waiting for the next wave. This was nothing else than phenomenal, one of the best gigs I’ve seen for sure. It’s not every day a TRVV KVLT fucker like myself cries openly, deeply moved by the energies emanating from the stage. All hail The Devil’s Blood, and here’s your 10.

-“Dude, check it out – our silhouettes are cooler than your face. ‘Cause we shady. Ba-dum-tshh.”

All in all an amazing weekend, with The Devil’s Blood, Vader and Baptism delivering the highlights. Jalometalli is an expertly arranged festival with great bookings every year, and I strongly recommend anyone within a reasonable travelling distance to make a visit next August. I’ll leave you with a photo of the most fantastic headgear this side of Indiana Jones: the DIY paper-stuck-to-top-of-head-with-duct-tape hat! I guess this is what happens when metal people go for the fashion gold…

-“Dude, check it out, when I headbang I generate enough wind energy to charge my phone!”

Witnessed

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